Today is 2012. The days seem to fly by some days, others... they crawl. I have not had a lot of time off this holiday season. Between doctor's visits, most of my vacation just disappears. It is only when you have walked the path that I am on... that you understand. There should be 3 weeks a year that I am able to drop all worries and cares... to be spent relaxing. Instead... I hoard the days... I never know when there is going to be a doc appointment that I have to burn a vacation day for. I try to schedule everything I can on days that I already have off. That just does not always work. Most of the docs want to see you at 10am... or 12:30.... The appointments always seem to be in the middle of the day. There is a 45 minute drive to work. Then, the drive back home. Normally, I have to help Virgil into a shirt and jeans. He won't go out in pajama pants. I am glad that he has his pride. The dressing process can't be accomplished on his own. He can't bend down without terrifying pain, and lack of breathe. He passes out just trying. The drive to where the docs are is another 70 minutes. It can be done faster, but speeding tickets are not what I want. Waiting in the doc's office seems so ridiculous to me. Why are the appointments always overbooked? It is not as if there is an emergency that delays them. Sometimes, maybe... but not routinely. The scheduling clerks know how long an appointment with each doc normally takes. I bring a book... but I should not have too. Out of the 3 weeks, I might get one or two days per year to spend as I want. That is crazy.
The holidays this year have been really hard. I am trying to smile... but the pain in Virgil's eyes is working on me. I have a timer set at this moment... counting down the time until I can safely give him more medication. The pain is dulled by the drugs, and we have to get ahead of it, then stay ahead of it. I was awake at 5am today. He was crying out in his sleep just from an attempt to slightly shift how he was laying in bed. I woke him up, and gave him strong narcotics. I massaged his back gently... lulling him back to sleep. It is the only escape from the pain of his back and bones all over. His skin is in really great condition, due to the amount of awesome lotion that I keep pouring on.... and my hands really soft... that is a plus, I guess. I bought a baby bottle warmer, and it does work to quickly warm the lotion. Little things count when you are hurting, and warm lotion is a plus. My hands are permanently cold, so rubbing the lotion between them does not help. I called the surgeon's office that we are waiting to see. Explained that the pain level is severe, and that if they have a cancellation, I would LOVE a phone call.... and will drop everything to get him there....
There was a bad situation at our house on Christmas eve... and that is working on him too... and not in a good way. We can't control the actions of others. We have both accepted that. Once a child becomes a legal adult, we have to let go. We pray they fly straight and true. When they fall, it is not because we have not taught them the path. It is because they have chosen to not follow it. There are forks in the road. The choice they make has to be their own. All we can do at this time is wait... we cannot change what happened... and we will not support bad choices.
The last we have heard from the VA was two months ago. They informed us at that point, that we had been taken off the "fast track", due to the local office adding PTSD to the claim. I have no idea how long it will be before they will pick it up again. I know that we are supposed to get a letter, asking us to present to the local VA hospital for an exam/interview. We are just, once again, waiting....
I sit and watch the timer... and wait... to try and get ahead of this pain... going to be a quiet day of pills and more back massages... I have nothing else I can offer to him at this time... it is not enough... but it is what I have...
The holidays this year have been really hard. I am trying to smile... but the pain in Virgil's eyes is working on me. I have a timer set at this moment... counting down the time until I can safely give him more medication. The pain is dulled by the drugs, and we have to get ahead of it, then stay ahead of it. I was awake at 5am today. He was crying out in his sleep just from an attempt to slightly shift how he was laying in bed. I woke him up, and gave him strong narcotics. I massaged his back gently... lulling him back to sleep. It is the only escape from the pain of his back and bones all over. His skin is in really great condition, due to the amount of awesome lotion that I keep pouring on.... and my hands really soft... that is a plus, I guess. I bought a baby bottle warmer, and it does work to quickly warm the lotion. Little things count when you are hurting, and warm lotion is a plus. My hands are permanently cold, so rubbing the lotion between them does not help. I called the surgeon's office that we are waiting to see. Explained that the pain level is severe, and that if they have a cancellation, I would LOVE a phone call.... and will drop everything to get him there....
There was a bad situation at our house on Christmas eve... and that is working on him too... and not in a good way. We can't control the actions of others. We have both accepted that. Once a child becomes a legal adult, we have to let go. We pray they fly straight and true. When they fall, it is not because we have not taught them the path. It is because they have chosen to not follow it. There are forks in the road. The choice they make has to be their own. All we can do at this time is wait... we cannot change what happened... and we will not support bad choices.
The last we have heard from the VA was two months ago. They informed us at that point, that we had been taken off the "fast track", due to the local office adding PTSD to the claim. I have no idea how long it will be before they will pick it up again. I know that we are supposed to get a letter, asking us to present to the local VA hospital for an exam/interview. We are just, once again, waiting....
I sit and watch the timer... and wait... to try and get ahead of this pain... going to be a quiet day of pills and more back massages... I have nothing else I can offer to him at this time... it is not enough... but it is what I have...
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