Summer has come and gone. Days have blurred, one into another. The medicine shift we tried in June was a total failure. Four weeks on the new medicine, and nothing was going right with it. I should not say nothing... the heart was beating better, but nothing else was working right. Too much medicine... or the wrong amount. I don't know. Doc does not know... it is just not worth the risk. We shifted back to the meds he was on before the shift.
It is so sad to bear witness to the changes that have occurred for this strong and gentle man. The once strong shoulders, with rippled muscles are now skin covered bone. The ridges of the bones can be felt so truly and plainly with a small huge. To lift something is often beyond his ability. To walk more than about 10 steps can be impossible. I used to have to run sometimes to keep up with his normal stride. Heart still rages onward... pummeling the inside of his chest. Appetite, something that had never been a struggle for him, just does not exist. Diabetes came to visit and stay with the hospitalization in March of this year. Could have been there for who knows how much earlier. It was really just caught then. The hands and feet... they are numb and feeling like pins are being put into them on a constant basis. He says the foot rubs help that I give him all the time. One bright spot there... He has really soft and nice feet now. What used to be like shoe leather, is a foot that any lady would adore having. The rheumatoid arthritis tortures him on a daily basis. Joints in all parts of his body swell and ache. The pain pills are supposed to help control this. They don't really. They just knock him out. He does not want to sleep his life away. That is what so many days are reduced too. His eyesight is rapidly failing. He is having a surgery latter this week for cataracts. This is a stop gap measure only. Docs told him he has macular degeneration. It has rapidly advanced over the last year. The cataract surgery will lift the fog. Docs said that within about 2 years, he will be blind. There is truly nothing that be done to stop that. This is the same man, that 6 years ago could do anything he set his mind too.
We have talked about funerals. We have talked about services, and what he wants done. Not an easy conversation Morbid, some would say. Not really. Is reality for us. We know will.... we just don't know when. I will have no doubt going into the real planning, that I will be doing exactly what he wants. No guessing. I would much rather be planning an anniversary trip. That is coming up again, so soon. Had the joy of seeing so many weddings recently. First the elder brother's son.... beautiful, and happy young people... life blooming. Then sister's eldest daughter... regal... as if a disney princess was getting married... then my oldest... marrying the wonderful man that has already seen her at her worse... standing next to her as she battled and beat cancer. I don't want this year to be the one of 3 weddings and a funeral... no yet... He is not ready to let go yet...
I have been home sick for the last 9 days. So weak, I am having trouble just walking. To talk and walk at the same time... starting to get a little easier... but not there yet. I keep bouncing off the floor. I know how scared he is, that I am ill. I don't want him to be scared. I am not going anywhere just yet... simply praying for an early freeze... docs think I have asthma irritated severely by ragweed, causing lungs to revolt. Tons of meds for me... and time to sit back and quietly just talk. These days are precious.
Awake now due to the meds... they strip me of sleep. Help resolve lungs, making sleep elusive... Smiling, as I take the breathing... sleep can wait...pinterest-c18c8.html
It is so sad to bear witness to the changes that have occurred for this strong and gentle man. The once strong shoulders, with rippled muscles are now skin covered bone. The ridges of the bones can be felt so truly and plainly with a small huge. To lift something is often beyond his ability. To walk more than about 10 steps can be impossible. I used to have to run sometimes to keep up with his normal stride. Heart still rages onward... pummeling the inside of his chest. Appetite, something that had never been a struggle for him, just does not exist. Diabetes came to visit and stay with the hospitalization in March of this year. Could have been there for who knows how much earlier. It was really just caught then. The hands and feet... they are numb and feeling like pins are being put into them on a constant basis. He says the foot rubs help that I give him all the time. One bright spot there... He has really soft and nice feet now. What used to be like shoe leather, is a foot that any lady would adore having. The rheumatoid arthritis tortures him on a daily basis. Joints in all parts of his body swell and ache. The pain pills are supposed to help control this. They don't really. They just knock him out. He does not want to sleep his life away. That is what so many days are reduced too. His eyesight is rapidly failing. He is having a surgery latter this week for cataracts. This is a stop gap measure only. Docs told him he has macular degeneration. It has rapidly advanced over the last year. The cataract surgery will lift the fog. Docs said that within about 2 years, he will be blind. There is truly nothing that be done to stop that. This is the same man, that 6 years ago could do anything he set his mind too.
We have talked about funerals. We have talked about services, and what he wants done. Not an easy conversation Morbid, some would say. Not really. Is reality for us. We know will.... we just don't know when. I will have no doubt going into the real planning, that I will be doing exactly what he wants. No guessing. I would much rather be planning an anniversary trip. That is coming up again, so soon. Had the joy of seeing so many weddings recently. First the elder brother's son.... beautiful, and happy young people... life blooming. Then sister's eldest daughter... regal... as if a disney princess was getting married... then my oldest... marrying the wonderful man that has already seen her at her worse... standing next to her as she battled and beat cancer. I don't want this year to be the one of 3 weddings and a funeral... no yet... He is not ready to let go yet...
I have been home sick for the last 9 days. So weak, I am having trouble just walking. To talk and walk at the same time... starting to get a little easier... but not there yet. I keep bouncing off the floor. I know how scared he is, that I am ill. I don't want him to be scared. I am not going anywhere just yet... simply praying for an early freeze... docs think I have asthma irritated severely by ragweed, causing lungs to revolt. Tons of meds for me... and time to sit back and quietly just talk. These days are precious.
Awake now due to the meds... they strip me of sleep. Help resolve lungs, making sleep elusive... Smiling, as I take the breathing... sleep can wait...pinterest-c18c8.html
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