the night fears....

This is something that I don't talk of often.  I never have a fear of my love while he is awake.  I do not have a fear most nights.  We lay quietly, and sleep peacefully with a pug in bed between us.  We kiss goodnight... and dream softly...

Although... on certain nights... he will begin to move around a bit.  Legs jerking... arms swinging outward.  He talks quietly, almost a stage whisper.  It is hard to tell what he is saying.  For the longest time I thought he was referring to baseball.  He is not a player... does not even like sports, with the exception of Nascar.  He would grumble something about outfield... I learned the hard way to never try to wake him when these nights come.  I did once... or at least i tried.  To this day, I don't think he actually came awake.

The one time I tried to waken him with a gentle nudge, he swung toward me and wrapped his hands around my neck and head.  He does not have small hands.  He was choking me and shaking my whole body.  And growling.  Slamming me into the mattress.  I had to fight back... and that made it all the worse.  I truly thought that night I was going to die.  I did manage to get away by going limp.  Stopping all movement, I just collapsed, praying that if this was my end, let it be quick.  He rolled off and away from me.  I fled from the bed and ran to hide.  I did not go back to bed that night.  I got on the internet.  I found  post traumatic stress disorder.  And I began to read.

When Virg awoke the next morn.  He got up as if nothing had happened.  I was more than a little leery.  The annulled marriage was annulled due to abuse and misrepresentation.   I was afraid it was happening again.  But I had to get the answer.  I asked about baseball.  I mentioned that he was talking in his sleep... something about outfield... or at least that is what it sounded like.  He told me he had been dreaming that he was "in country" in his dream last night.  He said he had dreamed that he was attacked, and had to fight to live.  He mentioned that the group he was with always referred to it as the time spent in the jungle as "out in the field".  It all made sense.

I showed him the bruising on my neck.  I explained how he was choking me and slamming me into the mattress.  I explained how it all began when I tried to wake him with a gently nudge.

I have learned the hard way, to never touch him if he begins to thrash about.  I get up quietly, rolling out and away.  I leave the room... get a glass of water and slowly sip it down.  I peek in... is it quiet... then it is safe.  The internet was my place of refuge.  There I found accounts of other wives living with the "night fears"... and how they coped.  Most are doing the same thing I am... quiet withdrawal, and wait it out.

The night fears are but a small part of it.  We tend to stay away from places where there are large crowds.  If we do go somewhere... we maneuver to the spot where our backs are to the wall.   We can see everything coming at us.  No surprises.  Guarding all the time.  Lights all around the house that come on at dusk.  Everything secure.  Not too much trust in anyone other than family... the enemy never really leaves for the soldier on foot patrol... there is always a threat...