the Washington County Veterans Affairs office....

I think I am exhausted.  Feeling like we have been run over with a Mac truck.  Appointment at 8am with Sue Rich of the Washington County Veterans Affairs office.  She had given us a long list of documents that she would need.  We had them all in hand.  I showed her the https://fasttrack.va.gov/AOFastTrack/ website... and explained that I could not print off the data that I had input.  Went on to explain how the VA would not even talk to us when we called to find out the info that they were showing.

It started out as an easy conversation.  We explained about what info we had input.  She explained that we should have an officer of a service organization representing him.  She helped us to select one.  She explained that we do not have to do any of this alone.  She explained that we needed to give the officer of the service organization a written permission to talk for us.  She asked that any documents that we gather be brought out to her.  That way we have a track and proof that we have done it.

She then started to ask quiet questions.  She asked about cancers, diabetes, and health conditions.  Virg was having a very hard time talking.  She asked about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  She did direct the question to him.  I sat quietly.  He needed to have the chance to explain if he could.  My heart got broke again this morn.  I witnessed a strong warrior cry.  He tried, and he could not utter the words to explain to her.  She was so kind, and offered to let him take a form home to fill out.  Quietly, I got him a kleenex... and said I would explain if that was ok with Sue and Virg.  I knew the form would be another nightmare he did not need to face.  He nodded agreement.  And it was my turn to cry.

Some things I have typed here... but have never uttered aloud.  Other things, he has quietly told me in the dark... and I had just held him.  I never asked questions when he would talk of that time.  I was so afraid that if I did, I would wall off the one outlet he had.  I tried with all my heart to relay exactly what he had said.  It quickly came to the point that I could say no more.  It was breaking my heart to say what he had endured as a young man.  What he carries quietly inside himself to this day.  I talked of the nightmares.  I talked of how he almost killed me one night, thinking I was the enemy.  How I knew when the nightmares where back...  Of the young person that would help you in the daylight, and cut your throat at night.  The thoughts of young men that had been turned unrecognizable as a human.  Body parts, but not a whole body.... Of the snipers that shot from no where... you could not see nor find them... they faded into the crisp brown leaves along the shore... It quickly came to the point that I could say no more.  I realized we were all crying.

We took a few minutes, and finally pulled ourselves together.  The look of relief on his face that we were not talking about that part any longer was real.  We closed the session, with a list of the additional things I needed to find at home and call back with.  We had a couple of simple errands to do, and quickly had those finished. Virgil then stated he did not want to go home yet, he was hungry.  We had breakfast together at our favorite spot, and talked of what would come.  It was safe again.  My warrior with his red, swollen eyes.  There is so much there that he has never shared, and probably never will.  I think once the Mac truck hit us... it backed up and did it again...